


Cruel, Unusual and Physically Impossible Punishment

by Natasja



Series: Very Different Cliches [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, I REGRET NOTHING, Implied Mpreg, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, i went there, things you probably didn't want to know, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 12:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natasja/pseuds/Natasja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Writers are at it again, worse than before. </p><p>Pity the Company.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruel, Unusual and Physically Impossible Punishment

After being dragged all over Middle-Earth thanks to a fan-writer thinking self-inserts were cool, Mairi and Rowan had developed a deep-seated animosity toward fan-writers who did things because 'it sounded awesome' or 'they didn't see why not'.

Suzi, having been counted amongst said fan-writers before being forcefully shown the error of her ways, had developed a deep-seated embarrassment on their behalf.

But no amount of repentance or knowing better now could fully shake the effects of spending so long under the influence of wilful self-insertion. The burden of bad writing was not so easily cast aside. As the fiasco with Mairi's sister had demonstrated, even being a former Mary-Sue was enough for Suzi to accidentally be drawn into any fan-work similar to the things she had written.

Mairi had re-defined the term 'Icy Silence' during the two weeks that she had refused to acknowledge Suzi's existence after a detailed piece of fan-art had dropped them practically on top of Merry and Pippin in a graphic 'Slash Moment'. Apparently, Suzi-Maria's disregard for the laws of Canon to satisfy her vision of how she wanted things to be was enough to link her to nearly anything where a fan-writer or –artist ignored or blatantly defied facts just because they could. Safely out of Mairi's hearing, Rowan had sworn that he had seen frost crystals forming on the window, despite it being midsummer, after that announcement.

Everyone had been very careful to avoid such sites when Suzi-Maria was around, but there was nothing to be done about it, especially since Suzi-Maria seemed almost as upset about it as the rest of them.

* * *

Thus it was that Mairi did not verbally rip Suzi-Maria to well-deserved shreds when they were yanked off a train where they had been trying to ignore a bunch of giggling teenage fans, and into the shire, where they were faced with a gaggle of confused teens… all watching a deeply distressed Hobbit and several equally upset Dwarves.

The reason for their dismay quickly became evident. Suzi-Maria closed her eyes. "OK, I know what I did was awful, but at least I never tried anything like this! That's just wrong on far too many levels!"

Sam had actually fallen to his knees, and Mairi caught snatches of Ave Maria and several other fervent prayers that she didn't know the names of. For once, the others agreed with him. Rowan had turned so pale that he looked as bloodless as a Ringwraith. Suzi-Maria glanced at him. "Whoa, hey, sit down before you collapse!"

Rowan slumped onto the ground, hard. "I'm not an advocate of violence, but whoever came up with that needs a good punch in the face, and should be very, very ashamed of themselves."

That finally drew the attention of the confused teens. "Why? You have to admit, it's pretty cool, no matter how many stupid flamers prattle on about laws of nature. There's nothing wrong with two men having kids!"

The more sensible ones cringed under Mairi's death-stare, which had quelled hyperactive toddlers, wild parties two drinks short of a domestic disturbance, and everything in between. "I have to admit no such thing, and have you considered surrogacy or adoption, like some normal homosexual couples do? They aren't seahorses, for Illuvatar's sake!"

A not-so-sensible teen, somehow ignorant of the danger signs, grinned. "Yeah, but a Fili/Kili baby would be just so CUTE, don't you think"

Rowan threw up his hands. "They're brothers, you insipid twit! Why can't you just pretend that Dis had another baby who was considered too young to join the Quest, like Gimli was! How is a baby between them even going to work?"

The first teen's companion, as oblivious as his friend, shrugged "Well, magic can do a lot, and it was so obvious that Bilbo and Thorin were suffering from UST, and Tolkien's romantic relationships all ended in marriage, which was originally intended for having kids, right?"

Sam looked torn between strangling the youth or just sitting down and crying. "That's a travesty and desecration of my entire religion, you wretched little – "

Rowan and Suzi-Maria held him back and it was Suzi-Maria, who had used the 'magic can do anything' excuse more than once, who snapped back. "But even magic has limits, and no matter what, you can't get around the fact that pregnancy REQUIRES female equipment! Even if you don't necessarily need ovaries, fallopian tubes and ovulation, you need a damn uterus where the foetus can gestate, for god's sake. Where the HELL can a foetus gestate inside a man? In his small intestine? Er, no, because waste products flow through that and it would be toxic for the foetus. There's no PLACE for a foetus in the male body." 

Suzi-Maria's medical studies, which she had taken up on the basis that if she had miracle-healed in Middle-Earth, she might as well do it properly on Earth, had recently covered sexual biology in depth, which explained her use of correct medical terms. The class might have spent the entire lesson trying not to look each other in the eye, but Suzi had paid attention.

One of the teens who had been giggling over Slash pregnancy was actually a girl, which made both women feel ashamed by association on behalf of their entire gender. "Because it is just so very unfair that women are the ones who must bear children! Why can't a boy do it for a change?"

Another teen sneered at her. "Man-Hater. I bet you're about to start carrying on about Women being stronger than men!"

Mairi tripped the girl as she lunged at the sneering one. Having once trained as an Assistant Nurse and a tendenct to do actual research before she wrote anything, her tone was more than a little scathing. "Did none of you pay attention in science or PD/H/PE? Being a B-O-Y means that they are both incapable of carrying children and that it is biological suicide for men to even attempt. Men are not meant to carry weight in that part of their bodies. The blood doesn't flow that way, and their bodies aren't designed to give nutrients to the foetus like a woman's body is designed to."

The sneering teen looked ready to protest, but Mairi steamrolled over him. "Besides that, the hormonal changes that take place in a woman during a pregnancy - which woman get a taste of roughly every month, and are therefore a bit more used to - are not meant for men to feel. I'm not going into women are stronger than men rants here, but emotionally they are. A pregnant guy would have to be tied down. So, between dying and going insane, a pregnant man is not a very good thing." 

The argument had finally drawn the attention of the non-pregnant Dwarves, who closed ranks around the afflicted members of the company, glaring and gripping their weapons. Thorin stepped forward, looking even more imposing than usual. "Look, we've already had to put up with half of Middle-Earth shunning us (though I expected as much from the Elves, at least) or screaming and running away like it was catching! I won't have you lot making things worse for Master Baggins, or for my sister-sons, or for Ori!"

After several months of accidentally annoying nearly everyone they encountered, Sam and Suzi-Maria had developed an excellent sense of self-preservation for these things, especially when sharp weapons were at hand, and instantly bowed to the dispossessed King. "Forgive us; it was not our intent to make things worse."

Yet another of the teens was looking vindicated. "I TOLD you that it wasn't so simple! As far as I'm concerned, one of the biggest benefits of being a guy in the first place is because we CAN'T get pregnant!"

Mairi shoved him out of the way of a throwing axe that Ori had grabbed from one of his brothers, just in time, and he staggered into another girl, who propped him up even as she protested. "Yeah, but that applies to humans! Hobbits and Dwarves are different species, so maybe they – " 

She wasn't so swift as to avoid a good thump from Gandalf's staff. The Wizard had been attempting to be discreet, looking deeply uncomfortable ever since magic had first been mentioned, in case one of the more-short-tempered-than-usual Dwarves took it seriously. "Perhaps so, but some things cross all boundaries, and even the very wise could not have foreseen this."

Everyone was startled when poor Kili let out a wail and threw himself into Mairi's arms, as the closest person who seemed to have a clue what they were talking about, rather than offering wild theories. Being heavily pregnant, in a body not used to carrying such weight in that area, he nearly fell over, which didn't help anything. "I just woke up and I was like this! I think I would have known by now if I was sexually interested in males, in which case I am far more likely to be attracted to my own species! But now I find myself lusting after someone I view as a brother-in-arms and a friend, and I'm carrying all this extra weight, and I can't control my emotions, and – and – !"

Mairi patted him on the back. "There, there, I'm sure it's just the sudden influx of estrogen." The unfortunate Dwarf sniffled as his brother scowled. "Female Dwarves are rare, but I know that Mother and Gloin's wife never carried on like this! Why are they reacting like this?" 

Mairi tried to shove her fury to the back of her mind. Now was not the time to start screaming with rage. "All pregnancies are different, and women have a lifetime to get used to this sort of thing in small doses, before pregnancy sends our bodies haywire. You don't have that luxury."

Ignoring the drama around them, yet another teen pouted at the four older humans, as if he thought sulking would get him anywhere, speaking in an accusing tone. "I bet you wrote the same thing, once! You seem to know quite a lot about all this, after all."

Rowan rolled his eyes, reaching for a weapon that wasn't there. "So does anyone who paid attention in year nine Health class or Natural Science."

Mairi shrugged. "Same thing, plus my parents thought that knowing the gory details would scare my sisters and me out of doing anything stupid."

One of the teens who had been struck silent by Mairi's glare spoke up, her voice timid. "What gory details?"

Mairi intensified the glare, making the girl whimper pitifully. "Even if a male body did somehow develop eggs and an X chromosome, it takes more than a womb to create a child. With pregnancy, the ENTIRE BODY changes. It's not just morning sickness and swelling! Your hormone levels go crazy, some bones have to soften in the right places to make room for the child, muscles have to stretch, and your immune system has to supress itself to stop your body from fighting the foetus, which is for all intents and purposes, a parasite. You gain a lot of extra weight. Let's not even go into where the baby will develop or where and how something the size of a basketball will come out in a male body. Unless you're a seahorse or some kind of really bizarre Alien, the male body is not equipped for pregnancy or childbirth and probably never will be!"

Any reply from the more stubborn fan-writers was forestalled by a piercing scream as Ori doubled over, clutching his belly. "Oh, by Mahal's hammer, my water just broke!"

Somewhere in the crowd, a voice very quietly muttered about never thinking that they'd hear that from a guy, but was thankfully ignored as everyone turned to Gandalf, who suddenly discovered a major drawback of being considered all-knowing, especially in things beyond other people's comprehension. Gandalf backed away in alarm, composing himself enough to be cryptic, the last resort of an adult desperate to avoid answering a question. "I know of no spell that could achieve such a thing, and even an unborn fea is nothing to play with. There are some who live that deserve death, yet many who die that deserve life. Do not be so swift to deal out death in judgement, unless you can give life to them."

The dramatic effect was spoiled by Bilbo, normally of a gentle nature, whose shock at Ori's condition had brought on his own early labour. "I think it's been made clear that as a male, I can't give life, and unless someone does something soon, I'll deal out all the death I bloody well want, starting with you!"

Suzi-Maria, the only one who knew more than advanced first aid, (nothing that Oin had learned as a Healer had ever prepared him for this!) was shoved forward, and hesitantly approached. "Er, if they have somehow developed a womb, I can probably extract it through caesarean."

One of the MPreg writers turned pale, but was still hardier than several of his fellow writers, who had fainted outright. "Wait, you mean cut them open?"

Suzi-Maria glared over her shoulder as Dwalin and Bombur, both rather pale themselves, formed a living barrier between her and their panicking, about-to-give-birth, fellows. "Can you think of another idea? They aren't physically equipped to give birth the normal way!"

Another two writers fainted, and Bifur didn't look far behind. Mairi's already-limited patience snapped as she shot Rowan and Sam a pointed look. "Wake them up! There's at least four in there who could use a good shock, and all of them need to hear this!"

The fan-writers might have needed to hear and see it, but the Narrative Laws (or possibly the Valar – Vairë must have been having a field-day, and Manwë, as their chief, was most likely busy fielding all kinds of awkward questions) must have decided that Rowan, Sam, Mairi and Suzi-Maria had enough sense and respect for Canon that they shouldn't have to endure such a thing.

* * *

The train might have been hot, stifling, and with another ten stops before their destination, but none of the four had ever been so glad to be stuck on shoddy public transport.

 

 

 

Suzi-Maria, the only one who knew more than advanced first aid, (nothing that Oin had learned as a Healer had ever prepared him for this!) was shoved forward, and hesitantly approached.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I went there. No, I am not even slightly ashamed.
> 
> To be clear, I have nothing against Homosexuality, am all for Gay Marriage and Rights, and count a few among my friends. I AM against fics that make a male character pregnant for no apparent reason, especially when they don't put any thought into the consequences. Please take that into account the next time you consider writing one of these.


End file.
